I.IV Club Q

CW: suicide, brutality, murder, terrorism

Outside of Club Q.

Yesterday, November 20th, was National Transgender Day of Remembrance. I was in a space of mourning, as I still am today, so I am doing my best to share my thoughts.

So far in 2022, there are 32 known transgender Americans who have been taken from us by horrific acts of brutality, not including those who were murdered in an act of domestic terrorism and hate on Saturday night in Colorado Springs, CO. This number is likely much higher. We know that Black and brown transgender women are disproportionately targeted.

In Trevor Projects 2022 National Study on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health (34,000 respondents, ages 13-24), 48% of respondents identified as transgender or non-binary. More than half of transgender and non-binary youth seriously considered suicide, with one in five attempting it. More than three quarters of transgender and non-binary youth reported experiencing symptoms of anxiety and around two thirds reported experiencing symptoms of depression. Fewer than one in three transgender and non-binary youth found their home to be gender affirming. 93% of transgender and nonbinary youth said that they have worried about transgender people being denied access to gender affirming medical care due to state or local laws.

At one time or another in my life, I have also considered suicide, experienced anxiety and depression, felt that my gender was not accepted around certain people, and feared the idea of being denied access to healthcare.

There is a direct correlation between the attack that children’s hospitals have been facing on their gender affirming care and the mass-shooting that occurred this weekend. Or the bigotry that is spewed from publicly elected officials, or religious leaders condemning our entire community. The hateful rhetoric, misinformation, and bias that the LGBTQIA2S+ community faces is horrifying, and something that we are rattled with daily. Our community is facing literal and physical attacks, and we need you to stand with us.

Six years ago today, I came out to my parents, and a big reason for coming out was the shooting at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, FL on June 12th, 2016. For five months, all I kept thinking was, “What if this happens in Philadelphia? Will my parents even think that I would be at a gay club? Would the thought of me being dead cross their mind?” It’s horrifying to think that a mass-shooting targeting the LGBTQIA2S+ community is one of the factors that pushed me to come out.

Every moment, of every day, I worry about being attacked. When I am on a walk with my partner, wearing a dress to the museum, playing in an LGBTQ+ sports league, sitting at a bar, dancing in a club, walking to my car, entering a store, traveling, etc. On a daily basis, I am worried of the idea of being attacked, beaten, or murdered because of who I authentically am. These are daily thoughts.

I ask, I plead, I beg you to take a moment or two this week to just imagine how exhausting this can be. Take a moment to remember the 32+ lives that we have lost this year, and 5 lives from this weekend, all due to brutal violence. Please do everything you can to learn more about the LGBTQIA2S+ community and investigate the ways that you can continue to protect, vote, and be there for the queer individuals in your local community. Q-Club was one of the only safe spaces in Colorado Springs for LGBTQIA2S+ individuals, and we need to do everything we can to keep those spaces safe, present, and active.

If you would like to contribute to help victims and their families, please donate to the Colorado Healing Fund, the official space Club Q is asking for donations to be made. Please make sure the donation designation is for “Club Q Tragedy”.

Patron mourning outside of Club Q.

I.III Always Wear the Dress

For this post, I had started to write about some of the moments and connections I had and made from the two-and-a-half-week solo road trip I just took, but something happened recently that I just have to share. Don’t worry, you’ll get a newsletter (or two) from the solo trip soon.

A few weeks ago, I went on my first work trip since the COVID-19 pandemic began, where I attended a conference in Florida celebrating Children’s Hospitals Week. Bringing together our staff, hospitals, partners, and various other participants — it was an incredible week being back with everyone. I’ve attended plenty of conferences over the course of my almost six years at work, and because I have worked from home that entire time, these conferences have become an arena for me to share my fashion. It sounds so simple and silly, but it’s so true. I love showing off my new pieces, patterns, and styles.

With all of that said, who we are today is a different model from who we were over two years ago, and even from who we were yesterday. So this was an exciting time for us all to be back together, and for a new version of Gaelen, that not many of them had seen before, to be shown.

Fashion, appearance, presentation – they’re all just individual elements of someone’s gender expression, and for some people an important one. Clothing is one of my favorite ways to showcase my identity. And these conferences have been an opportunity for me wear fun outfits, challenge the idea of what “corporate” attire looks like, and share myself with others.

I mean, what even is “corporate attire” anyway? If I identify as a “man,” I can only wear dress shirts and slacks? Or if I’m a “woman,” a dress or long skirt and a blouse? Why is wearing a bold color or fun pattern considered “unprofessional?” It has always just seemed so arbitrary to me.

This year was a big one for me. It was my first time presenting as non-binary at a work event. My first time re-introducing myself in person. As I was prepping for the trip, I was excited about sharing some new outfits. One of those options was a dress. A fellow colleague shared that they were going to wear one, and that we should wear them together. I promised that I would pack at least one, but I wasn’t sure how comfortable I would be wearing a dress at the conference.

On the first night of the conference, I attended a dinner with my team and our partners, and it was ‘60s themed. The dress I packed was a floral puffed sleeve high-low dress — one of the two I got at Target last summer as a birthday treat. And they’re designed by Christopher John Rogers, one of the up-and-coming designers right now. What is more late ‘60s than a good floral puffed sleeve dress?!

About 24 hours before dinner, I kept seeing videos on my phone from the same TikTok account of a mom sharing her child’s self-discussion with wearing a dress. About 3 hours before dinner, this video resurfaced on my screen once more. This time, I took the time to watch the video, and after that, I knew that I had to wear my dress.

Soon, I came to realize that wearing this dress was planting a seed in myself and in others around me. A seed of who I am (and perhaps, who they are) in this moment, with the potential for growth.

Within a few hours, I knew that this seed had already began to grow when one of our champions approached me sharing their love for the dress — its patterns, its style, its fun. Moments later, an older gentleman from one of our partners complimented the dress and asked how he should refer to me.

The following day brought tears to my eyes, when one of our program participants approached me, shared that they too were non-binary, and thanked me for showing up, creating space, and making them feel welcome. By this point, I realized that this seed had started to sprout in multiple places.

While I walked through the lobby in my dress, I was mainly worried about someone saying something negative, trying to sneak a picture to share in a private group chat (which had already happened at two airports on my way to Florida), glancing at me with wide eyes, a blank face, a cold stare. I was not consciously thinking that wearing the dress would have an immediate positive effect on the other people at the conference.

A few days later, a few more folx that are members of the trans community approached me to thank me for wearing the dress. One of them said that they sometimes worry about expressing the femme side of themselves, but seeing me in a dress made them feel empowered to be themselves. They mentioned being excited about the fashion they’ll exhibit next year.

This moment, these feelings, those sentiments shared — I will cherish them for the rest of my life. And I know I’ll think of each of them every time I wear a dress, and I am so grateful for that.

Every moment you are being your true self, you are planting a seed in your garden of life. Some of those plants last a season, some a lifetime, and some expand to others gardens too. You may never know the power you have by being yourself.

 

I.II Your Garden

Flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. I’ve been going to the Denver Botanical Gardens recently, as it’s an easy walk from my apartment. The gardens allow me to enter a new world.

In the warmer months, the gardens are full of colors. Everywhere you look, something new is blooming. The paths are full of people walking, critters crisscrossing everywhere you look, insects buzzing around – just full of life.

Take a second to close your eyes. (Well, maybe read this next part to assist in your imagination) Picture purple irises, coral zinnias, yellow sunflowers, green lily pads. Hear wind rustling through bamboo, the flapping of butterfly wings, koi fish coming up to the surface. Feel the heat of the sun hitting your face. You’re in a realm of endless possibility.

See it, feel it, be it.

In the cooler months, the gardens are in a state of repose. Everywhere you look, something new is healing. The paths are full of ice and snow, critters are burrowed away, insects await fresh pollen.

Let’s use our imaginations again. This time picture green pines, pastel yellow hydrangeas, sienna marigolds. Hear the wind whispering through past wheat, the soft fall of fresh snow, the crackle of leaves being pressed down by ice. Feel the sun’s rays warming your face. You’re in a state of limitless opportunity.

See it, feel it, be it.

I hope we are all able to pick a moment where we felt true euphoria of self. That feeling of pure bliss, warmth, and love. The energy of your truest self is the ultimate power that Mother Nature has blessed us with. Even more powerful than a young oak or a small stream.

We are all a garden in the midst of summer blossoms and winter hibernation. Continuously being reborn again and again as we further discover who we are. Embrace the warmth, sit in the cool. Allow yourself to dissect the inner workings of your roots. Branch out to feel the depths of everything around you.

Nowhere in the world will you ever be able to find two flowers that are exactly the same.
Nowhere in the world will you ever be able to find two humans that are exactly the same.
Nowhere in the world will you ever be able to find two humans that are experiencing gender exactly the same.

Further understanding your gender, your existence – that is the ultimate power that can lead to a love that you’ve never imagined feeling.

Plant yourself a garden of genders. It may be pink pansies in the morning, a cholla cactus in the afternoon, a frozen stem in the evening, and a crawling vine by the time you’re in bed. Every single plant in your garden, every single gender you feel is valid, real, and fully yours.

Water your garden, discover and plant new flowers, tend to the young and the old, and if you feel comfortable, share the full beautiful bouquet that you are with those around you.

 

I.I The Power of Paper

A paper cut occurs when a piece of paper or some other thin, sharp material slices a person's skin, often the upper part of the finger, and often the index finger. Notably, paper cuts can also be caused by thin, sharp materials other than just paper.

What is considered a thin, sharp material? 

I remember taking a field trip in third grade to visit an old paper mill. (Thanks Mrs. Andre!). It was my first time really seeing how we use natural resources as power. I can attest that at nine years old, I didn’t know that the “gas” we used to fill up the car was a natural resource. (But I used to enjoy that smell). 

It was incredible to see this structure confidently placed on the edge of a stream using its power to create. I remember wondering if the trees standing near this mill were themselves seeded from ancestor trees that were cut down to create paper. Imagine realizing for the first time all that could be created from the force of a small stream or a young oak. That there was so much untapped power right at our grasp.

What is considered a thin, sharp material? 

The two essential ingredients for making paper are water and wood. Both elements carry so much weight, existence, and importance. They have existed well before we made our way to Earth and they will be here long after too. Imagine what they have experienced, what they have witnessed. 

A single piece of paper knows so much before it even has the opportunity to understand its surroundings. This piece of paper is full of so much power.

What is considered a thin, sharp material?

As we grow up, so much is seemingly predetermined for us. We’re only exposed to what we can find in our surroundings. Sometimes that can be extremely restricting…sometimes profoundly freeing. The world, and our “teachers” around us, set expectations, standards, and “norms” that we are required to abide by - without giving us the opportunity to consider whether we even agree with them or not. We are “drinking the kool aid” blind.

Just like a single sheet of paper, by the time we have the opportunity to understand our surroundings, we may have unknowingly done so much harm. We too are full of so much power.

So again, what is considered a thin, sharp material? 

A single piece of paper? A broken branch fallen from a young oak? A sheet of ice floating over a small stream? A word? 

A single paper cut can cause pain - unintentionally. It’s one of the cuts that seems to never stop stinging no matter how hard you try to ignore it. It hurts enough that you notice it, you think about it, but eventually it simmers down. Just how when a single person says something hurtful, even unintentionally, it can cause pain. It’s something that you notice, you think about, but eventually it simmers down as time goes on.  

It’s exactly how being misgendered feels. 

Every time you are misgendered, a new paper cut is formed. By the end of the day, you have five or six new paper cuts…and by the end of the year, over two thousand. The time it takes to heal from a paper cut? Maybe two days and the stinging goes away. But we’re not talking about a one and done paper cut; we’re talking about six a day, every day of the year. By the time two days have passed, you have twelve more… And so on… and so on... So, do these paper cuts ever really heal? Everyone is different, but it takes me a while to get back into my world after being misgendered.

Pieces of paper, young oak trees, and small streams, just like every human, have the power to influence; the power to create; and the power to cause pain. The question is how you choose to use your power.

We are creatures that are continuously growing, learning, and evolving. Be like a home-made piece of paper filled with power. Choose to use your power to love. Be curious about those that you love. Learn how to interact with them, learn how to love them, to support them. We are all pieces of paper hoping that those who are a part of our journey grab the brightest color crayon and draw a beautiful image with us. 

Knowing me, I probably still have that piece of paper my third-grade class made on our field trip. Without even holding it, I can feel the bumps, bruises, and creases that it holds. And I can feel the love, courage, and opportunity that it equally has. 

Use this as a time to start anew as a home-made piece of paper. Imagine the images that you could draw with those in your world.